Me and my… Gratefulness

Storytime(smiling emoji)

Today is my close friend’s birthday. So last night I was up till 12 AM to wish him. Exactly at 12, I sent him a long paragraph wishing him and telling him how grateful I am to have him (You can also wish him in the comments , I’ll let him know (winky face)). I also sent him an audio of me singing the birthday song (laughing emojis). Yup! I am that friend who bugs you the entire day if it’s you birthday. Then I asked him how many people wished him and what did his friends do for him. And surprisingly, he said nobody had wished him, not his friends, not even his mom.

{That’s it. That was the story. I wasn’t planning to bore you!
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Hahahah. Just kidding. You have been pranked m*therf*cker. Now that you have decided to continue reading, I’ll make sure it’s worth it.}

I genuinely frowned, when I heard this. I told him,” Dude don’t worry, here is a message saying happy birthday a hundred times. And you thought I would let you feel lonely. Hell nooo.” (Same for you my blog friend)

I felt so relieved that I made a person smile. A flashback of all the times, my friends and family made my birthday special, ran through my mind. I have had amazing birthday surprises( a story for another blog. I promise I will make you jealous (winky face)). I made it a point to make his birthday memorable today. Me being me, I made 5 birthday cards , sent him a gift and loads of weird and stupid selfies, that I knew would make him laugh.
I wanted him to feel loved, the way I felt love from my people. I’m telling you all this because I’m grateful for every person I have ever interacted with, even if it was a small conversation.

Not related to anything. I just wanted to make you smile and I know I did *smirks*

Let me tell you a little about gratitude. You all are my fellow readers and writers, so I expect (actually I know) all of you to be familiar with this term.

Another storytime(smiling emojis)

My mom is a teacher. She got a holidays homework this summer just like every time. ( yes, teachers work hard man. Appreciate them always). One task in that homework was to write the summary of the book “The Magic by Rhonda Byrne”. As a classic mom she gave that book to me. You got it.. I had to do the work🙂

I didn’t complete that book but I did get some good lessons that I will cherish all my life. I’mma give you guys a gist: ★It is better to count your blessings than your troubles. (Yup I too began singing .. ‘Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God hath done.. ‘ sry can’t help I’m a Convent student) ★Every day, recite the best thing that happened to you. ★Before criticising any person think about why and how you can be grateful for them. ★Be grateful for your good health every day. Even on the days when you are sick, pay gratitude for being alive. ★Be thankful for the money you already have (even if it’s a penny) to have an abundance.

Repeat after me

And so on. (I would suggest to go through a summary, coz this book gets kinda boring… (Sorry Rhonda I tried my level best))

I read a quote a while ago, it said ” If you are not grateful for the things you have right now, how do you know you be happy for the things you will get.” This spoke volumes.

Since then I have been regular in thanking the Almighty (or any other universal power you believe in- incase you are an atheist). I thank God for everything that he has given me, for every person who came into my life and made me the person I am today. Also since I’m a new blogger in the house (pat on the back) I thank you all who generously read my blog. Really it means a lot. *starts sobbing*

Also I finished ” How to be a bawse by Lilly Singh” second time. Let me tell you , that Canadian girl is making the brown culture proud. High five to all the people who know who Lilly is… Uhm and for those who don’t know, she is a YouTuber. I don’t want you guys to feel left out (winky face and fist bump). I would love to share my thoughts on that too (story for another blog. Yay!)

I watch a lot of motivational videos. Alot trust me (you would call me crazy). So if you want any suggestions lemme know I’m just a comment away!!

(And just to let you know, my friend got loads of texts and wishes later today, I guess his friends were just a little lazy! And guess what his mom still hasn’t wished him)

Until next time, Adiós amigos.

Me and my…Studies

I fly with the stars in the skies,

I am no longer trying to survive,

I believe that life is a prize,

But to live doesn’t mean you’re alive,

Nicki Minaj(song: Moment 4 lyf)

I don’t really study, do you? If yes, let me know some good tips so that I can get my lazy a** to do something (freaking tired of myself). Back in school I used to study everyday(till 10th grade). Still pretty amazed (disgusted coz I don’t do that now!). But then my first touch screen phone came into my life and it’s been a downfall since then.

Now something about me that you should know (Or maybe I just wanna tell you coz you are my new friend (heart eye emoji, kiss emoji)) I used to be a freak for mobile games. You name it, I’ve played it. I was a player with a score of 20 million in temple run and a score of 3.4 million in subway surfers (don’t tell I can’t brag… Cmon look at ’em scores). Getting past that, since that time I just have not been able to get this thing away from me. I hate myself. Seriously. For not being able to f*cking keep it away for even a few hours. It ruined my 12th standard and made me do bad in my entrance test. Because of this stupid addiction, I waste the entire day. Now God knows what else it’s going to ruin.

This is just a picture from Pinterest (ashamed) I told you I don’t study😅

I don’t know, if I really can Or cannot do something. Since the time I couldn’t clear my first entrance exam, I have drowned myself in self doubt. This is a preview of what I think of myself:

” A girl who is pretentious, kind but jealous. An overthinker and secretive. Pessimistic. Caring and thoughtful. Has a ton of self doubt. Thinks she can’t do anything but gets certain things done. Doesn’t study with her own wish. Loves to waste time by scrolling through various social media. Opinionated. Likes to draw(or I should say-can recreate images). Doesn’t excel in anything yet. Has big dreams, a long list of goals but does nothing , not even a tiny bit of effort to achieve them.”

I know these are a lot of negatives and people would say it’s not healthy to be so negative. Try being positive and all that.

Bro, been there done that. It’s easier said than done. When you haven’t achieved anything in life, you don’t have a reason to appreciate yourself.

I’ll be honest, I like to study but I just can’t get myself to do it. I’ll tell you how my mind works and if you relate to it let me know. (Don’t judge Or think like I’m crazy coz I’m just spilling the tea…). It’s like if I try to do something good or worthwhile and start to achieve something, my mind says “Stop, cmon, you don’t have to do it. Give others a chance. If you do it, you will excel in it. Just don’t do it. Let it be. As it is you are not gonna get any result. You will probably fail. ” Does that happen to you or are you normal? (It feels like my own mind is pulling me down)

I feel like my capacity to get things done if they are expected of me, is a lot. But whenever I have to do something on my own without a deadline or without pressure I just fail. I procrastinate and don’t do it.

My parents expect a lot from me. They sometimes blackmail me but mostly they are supportive. I’m just very lazy or annoyed to do anything.

The thought that I don’t know the purpose of my life yet, is like a nightmare for me. The thing is, I know the solutions to all my problems. I legit do. I’m aware of the things that I’m supposed to be doing. I’m just not interested. I can’t explain how frustrated I am right now! If you would have been here with me you would have seen me tapping my foot at a pace and clicking the pen in my hand.

I just came back from a lecture by my mum. She reminded me how I wasted their money by going to the coaching classes and being incapable of cracking any entrance test. I get it. I’m a failure and a disrespect to the family.

I don’t know when am I gonna figure anything out. I’m probably gonna have a crying sesh. Brb (not anytime soon! Crying emojis)

Until next time, Adiós amigos.

Me and my… Grandfather

Nothing compares

No worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes

They are memories made.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Adele(Song:Someone like you)

Exactly 6 years ago today, I lost my grandfather because of blood cancer. I’m not in a very pleasant mood while I’m writing this. It’s midnight and I’m in the middle of a break down. Losing him was my first close encounter with death.

That’s my grandfather. It was the time when my dad got him this jacket and he came to show us.

I remember that day, every detail, every tear that fell from my eye. I was in 10th grade. It was 29th July 2015 and the festival of Eid. It was a holiday. Five in the morning I saw the lights turned on in my parents room and my mother was crying . Just the night before, we had found out that my grand dad was not well and anything could happen (he was admitted in the hospital). I woke up, saw my mom crying and closed my eyes again, just wishing that this was a bad dream and it would end. 10 minutes passed and tears started rolling down my eyes. I remember that at that time I just prayed that shouldn’t be what I think it is.

But I guess I wasn’t lucky enough. I stood up and my mom told me that we lost him. In India it is a tradition to bring the dead body home. People who are close to that person and the family mourn for some time and then the body is taken for cremation.

I broke down. Pretty bad. I lost my mind, and started complaining to God that he did that one thing I asked him not to. How could he just take away the person I loved so much. I have amazing memories with my grandfather. He meant a lot to me. A lot.

I cried myself to sleep. An hour later I got up, still crying and my father came into the room. The first tym in 21 years of my life I saw him cry that day. The words he said still echo in my mind. He said, “Nayan, he left us all. He is gone. Why.. Why is he gone”. I couldn’t take that. I cried really hard (just like I’m crying rn). I again cried myself to sleep not knowing how to react to all this. After a while my mother woke me up and asked me to see his body the last time. I refused. It was a hard no. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. She literally dragged me to the other room where he was kept with the body covered in white sheets, only his face was visible. I just saw a glimpse and ran back to my room. Not knowing what to do, I just laid in my bed the entire day crying NON-STOP. I didn’t stop for the next 2 or 3 days.

Then gradually time flied and here we are today. 6 years later I’m a grown women now. I’m sure he would be proud of me. I’m proud to be his grand daughter. I know he is watching me from above and blessing me. I still cry a lot because I lost him. We all lost a kind person, a loving father, an amazing grandfather,an army officer and a pure soul. I love him from my heart and soul. I miss him more than anything. But knowing he is in a better and peaceful place now, makes me happy.

That’s me with my grandfather.
I miss you so much 😢

Every year this day, we prepare a grand lunch which includes all his favourite dishes. We celebrate his presence and pray to God to give us strength to bear this loss. May the soul of the faithfully departed rest in peace.

RIP My hero ❤

Until next time Adiós amigos.

Me and my… Weird a** Dreams

Wait, if I’m on fire

How am I so deep in love?

When I dream of dyin’

I never feel so loved

-Zayn Malik (song:trampoline)

Okay so a little back story before I tell you what the dream was. I had science stream when I was in my high school. For those who are not from India (probably the majority) I had Physics, Chemistry, Math, Biology and English as my subjects. We have sections here for different combinations of subjects.

Now imagine you walking into your school, casually chilling and later joining your friend to a class which you don’t even take. Even you don’t realize why you are going there. If that wasn’t astonishing, the teacher taking the class lets you take the entire lecture. When the lecture ends she calls you outside and suddenly out of nowhere she knows your name (wtf moment). She asks what you were doing in her class. You say “nothing, (stutters a little). I just didn’t wanna go to my class.” Wow, you just said hat to her face. Guts man. But what came out of her mouth next sent chills down your spine. She asks,”What made you do that? And don’t give me crap coz I know what the reason might be.” Damn this lady wants me to tell her that she just touched my sore nerve. (Coz honestly no one wants to talk about things that they doubt E.g. My career)

I replied, “What, no..there is no reason behind it.”I said a little white lie from my side. She continues, “Will you say it out loud or should I?” With shame in my eyes and sarcasm in my tone I said “Oh! Please ma’am I know what you are thinking! It was not because I was bored from my own subjects and doubted my career options and wanted to explore another field.” There I spilled it (like freaking ketchup all over the floor). What a big mouth! But shockingly enough, the teacher gave me a smirk and said,” It’s good that you owned up. Now head back, coz you got a lot of thinking to do.”

Wooohhh! (Sigh of relief). Oh! And you can stop imagining now because the alarm just went off and the dream is over. Welcome back to the reality, where you are a grad student who can’t end college because of this stupid corona virus (actually that’s me).

So now that I remember every single detail of my dream and feel slightly embarrassed that my dream might be related to real life confusions, I got to do something.

See, you are my friend, so I hope I can share anything with you. To be honest I am never skeptical about the subjects I took Or the degree I was graduating in. The daunting thoughts are the ones about my future. Will I get paid enough to fulfill my dreams, my desires, my materialistic aspirations? (Coz, wanting Chanel or Dior heels isn’t that crazy, is it?) Will I get a good job? Will i be able to go to work every monday with a smile on my face? Will i be able to achieve a post where I can have a personality that matches my ideal self (ideal self:the best version of you in your mind)? Will I be able to fulfill the expectations of my younger self? Or will the fear of death take over? (Just a mention, that is a story for another day)

And just like you I don’t have answers to all the questions. I’m not even brave enough to admit and acknowledge all of them. Overthinking will not give me answers. (And lemme tell you, I’m one hell of an overthinker)

Honestly that is what this journey is for. All questions can’t be answered today itself, all queries can’t be solved right now, we gotta wait, develop, mould and work to get the future that we want. If I put the amount of time I think about how my future should look, in actually working to get it together, I would be way more satisfied.

Now that you know thinking doesn’t give results, let’s try executing. Until next time, Adiós amigos.

Me and my… Jealousy

Wow, I didn’t think I would have to start like this. But these are some feelings we come across day to day so why not bitch about them (shameless laughter).

Help me, my God, this got messy

Least I got the best seat

‘Cause we put on one hell of a show

-Ellie Goulding (song: slow grenade)

I’m was a genuinely jealous person. I know that’s nothing to be proud of but I’m sometimes too rude or mean to handle. But I’m on my way to improve myself. I don’t know if you can relate but I used to feel really bad and disappointed when someone would do better than me.

But then I grew up (coz duh I had no other option.sry for the lame joke) and came to terms with the fact that we can never be at the top. There will always be someone better than me and even if someone isn’t God is above me. This helps me be grounded. (Although I’m very uncertain about the fact of me achieving anything).

So, yesterday was one such day. I got the news from my cousin sister that she had passed her interview and got an internshsip. I was happy for her, I mean I am happy, she is my sister. But the competitor inside me is not very excited about it.

We both are from very different streams, but apparently her stream is a well paid one and mine isn’t. Technically I shouldn’t be phased by the fact that she will start earning now (she is just an year elder than me.. Damn she’s adulting), coz both of us are doing what we love. Or should I be concerned? I don’t know.

Right now two sides of my brains are activated . We all know the Angel and the Devil (Tom and Jerry reference waddup). The Angel says “Nayan, she is your sister, you should be proud of her and instead of being jealous you should be inspired by her and work harder. ” Although this is what I believe 95% (ehh, I’m a human, the rest 5% is the devil).

But the Devil is like a ringing bell that doesn’t stop. It is so alarming that I’m never able to ignore it. This actually helps me to see both sides of me, the good and the bad. The Devil says “Come on Nayan, you are in the wrong field. She is ahead of you again. You are just a burden to your family. She is earning and you are not bringing a penny home. (Yes it’s gets this worse at times, almost all the times actually). You have to do something to prove to everyone that you are way better than her. ” (Yes, with that same hoarse and disgusting and loud voice that you just read it with.. (Winky face) , Gotchaa and yo I’m talking about the voice of the devil…You,my friend are a princess or a prince)

The moment I get these thoughts I just remind myself that this is toxic thinking and I don’t wanna be that person. (Soo hail for the Angel and f*ck the Devil .. No no just kidding (laughing emojis inserted)). So like a normal person, I let these feelings slide off coz ain’t nobody got the time to be unhealthy.

But I promise, I’m changing and I have changed (proud of myself, pat on the back). I’m trying to love my people to the fullest, without being jealous of them or thinking that I need to be better than them all the time.

Making myself more confident about myself (well helloooo, tongue twister) has actually been the key for it. Just think about it, if the person you compare to your life is happy, you yourself are not as miserable as you think. It just takes one thought of gratefulness to remind you of all the amazing things you have in life. You are just one Thank You away from happiness. (Wow I could be a preacher (laughing emojis))

I should tell you though, all this motivational stuff that I just spoke (technically wrote) is a result of years of experiences and tons of lectures… Just kidding it’s Instagram and Pinterest that I have been scrolling for a long time. So don’t mind me please!! (Haha) and let me know whenever that gets boring, I’m gonna shut my mouth and we can play some Ellie Goulding and fall in love!! I’m kiddingggg (not really, *plays love me like you do in the background*)

Until next time. Adiós amigos (fist bump emoji)

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Hi everyone or to whoever who is reading this. I’m Nayan katyal. Welcome to my eerie but real blogs. This blog is just an attempt for me to get started and to tell you guys what is going to ensue.

Anyways I’m kinda nervous because in this age of YouTube and tiktok, I have decided to start a blog page. (Although very courageous of me… Fist bump to myself). I am not a writer by any means so I’m sorry if my blog sounds nothing like Amit aggarwal or Shivya nath (check them out if you haven’t already, they seem to know what they are doing(internal cry)). But I will always welcome criticism and I will be really happy if you guys take out time to read these rants about my life. My blog is named ‘Oomph’ which is different from what I’m gonna write about. Oomph means energy and excitement, whereas a rant or a daily dairy display of a 20 year old (slight shameful laughter) aren’t exactly same. But I promise to keep you hooked till the end soooo don’t miss it.

Yes, I have decided to make my emotional baggage the theme for this blog page.. Please don’t be shocked. I do have friends, a couple of them, maybe not, do I?, I don’t know…whatever..Even I’m not used to this. Honestly I’m on the way of becoming a more vulnerable person and what better way, right!!! And also even though you might not care, I haven’t written a single line yet about the actual blog yet(laughing emojis.. In my mind).

For those people who like surprises I’m sorry I ruined it. Your curiousity wouldn’t last because I told you all about my page in this introductory whatever (again internal laughing)

{Also if you are intrigued by what are these bracketed sentences for, these are actually either my thoughts that go on simultaneously while I write or the emojis which I don’t use just so that the blog looks more professional 😅}

Through my blog I want YOU ( yes you, the person reading this) to feel like a person is talking to you. Coz you my friend are not lonely. I’m here with you and here for you. We can chat in the comments if you want.(kiss emoji inserted).

I think this dose is enough for right now. Sooo , I will meet you soon with an actual blog (basically a rant of my inner thoughts which you might find relatable) very soon. Until then adiós amigos.